entry_85

hiya, it’s been a while. i don’t even know how long it’s been since i’ve posted anything on here, but it’s for a good reason. the last few weeks have actually been the best weeks that i’ve had in a long ass time. zero exaggeration in that statement.

i basically was hangin’ out at the park one night (as i so often do) and made two ridiculously cool super dope incredibly nice totally neat people. i could type out everything i remember, but i’ll just paste a note that i wrote that night after getting home [i altered their names for safety]

“02-10-23 | 2:33am

i am so cracked rn. so here’s the scene 🎬

me, at the park. the time is approximately 11pm. i’m sitting on a swing with brakence blaring from my phone speakers. i notice a guy and girl, presumably young, skateboarding around the track — ok enough with the cinematics.

they eventually approached and asked if i was good, i replied “yeah just chillin” and then we all realized we knew each others faces from high school. before i knew it, we were talking about edm, making jokes, and i was trying to balance on a skateboard. we talked for about 20 minutes and then alice (the girl) was like “we should go somewhere. you guys wanna go to walmart?” and after realizing walmart isn’t open 24hrs anymore, jasper (the boi) was like “ya know what sounds rly good?”, to which my inner monologue replied — “waffle house”. there was a bit of a pause, after which jasper spoke — “waffle house!”

“that’s literally what i was just thinking”, i said with great pride. and so we piled into alice’s lil sedan and just went!! we literally, within the first 30 seconds of driving, were hardcore jamming out like i wasn’t just some random person in the backseat.

fun side note: upon getting in the car, jasper and i were offered protective eyewear as a joke (alice works at a factory and has a bunch of them in her car), but i took them and we ended up wearing them bc it was funny.

so there we were, eating waffle house, joking around with the cooks, learning about waffle house sauce™️ (yes, this is a very real thing) and…guhhh!! it was such a good time. i told them it felt like we were all in a movie and alice, later, was like “ya know i’m starting to feel that way too, this is like a movie”

afterwards, we went back to odell and before i could get out of the car, alice said “we’re prolly gonna drive around for a bit, you wanna tag along?” me, fully invested in this newfound friendship circle, said “fuck yeah, lemme go grab my bag outta my car” we ended up going to circle k and choosing random items to buy and deliver to their sick friend, emmett (i got him a slice of rainbow cake, for those playing along at home). anyway, we delivered his care package and hung out on his front porch for a good while until finally emmett went back inside to sleep.

another jam session later, we arrived back at my car. i told them thank you for everything and that i had a blast, and they said we should do it again sometime

this is the feeling i’ve been searching for…”


[yes i named them after twilight characters, sue me] so yeah there’s all of that dopamine to digest for ya.

anywho, since meeting them, my life has been a whole ass movie. i was introduced to alice’s cousin (i’ll call her bella) and the three of us ended up going to the beach! it was the single most wholesome experience i’ve had in forever. since then, we’ve found a pretty cool parking garage to illegally skate at, which has been amazing.

guuhhh it’s getting late so i should probably sleep soon, i just wanted to update this bc i kinda forget to post shit here. much love to anyone reading <3

thoughtkick:

“Please stop destroying what is left of your heart by constantly thinking about things that have broken you.”

Nikita Gill

iambrillyant:

“forgive all the versions of yourself that operated out of fear instead of growth, the ones that viewed comfort zones as safe havens and abandoned boundaries to keep other people happy, forgive all the versions of yourself that didn’t know that love begins with how you treat you.”

— iambrillyant

entry_84

this is awkward. feels like i haven’t written here in ages. i’m not even sure where to start.

one of my closest friends moved away a few months ago, so i’ve been that much more lonely. therapy has been good, but i feel like i’m not giving it enough to be receiving all the benefits from it. my music is well…incomplete. depression seems a bit worse. panic attacks appear more frequently. i had intrusive suicidal thoughts a few nights ago and it was fucking terrifying to say the least. my bank account looks embarrassing. idk man, things are difficult. i had a little positivity spark a few days ago when coming up with a new alias for my music. i love thinking of cool visual concepts and different musical influences. envisioning all that is really fun for whatever reason. anyway, that day/night was neat, but i still haven’t made any rough drafts that i’m really psyched about.

really wanting to give medication another shot, this time with a preference for modern meds (aka not zoloft), like wellbutrin. if it could even just get me to be more interested in doing things, there’s no telling how much that would help me musically. as of the past few months, it’s kinda just felt like something i do bc i “need” to. seems more forced than anything.

lost train of thought.

entry_83

hey,

i’m happy to report that i’ve started seeing a therapist again. it’s been about 14 years since the last time i went to one, but the time has never seemed better to start back than now. honestly it’s long overdue. it was very refreshing and she gave me a good bit to think about and even some breathing exercises for when i’m anxious or on the brink of a panic attack. it didn’t take long before i started thinking “man i needed this a long time ago”, a thought that i’ve had in my head for a long while now, but when you start seeing how out of order you are, psychologically, it’s like damn….think of who i’d be had i taken this step years ago. anywho, we talked a little bit about my childhood, friends, family, my past relationships, and my past experiences with therapy. it all sounds so bizarre when explaining your life to someone you’re unfamiliar with, but the fresh perspective of someone new can be very insightful. okie i’m gonna go now.

thevisualdon:
“‘In The Clouds’
𝘜𝘱 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘷𝘦, 𝘢 𝘩𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘤𝘶𝘵𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘯𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘴𝘬𝘺. 𝘈 𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘮𝘰𝘰𝘯 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘥, 𝘢𝘥𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘭𝘰𝘶𝘥𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘣𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘥𝘪𝘮𝘮𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘦𝘵𝘭𝘢𝘮𝘱𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘰𝘸.
by Visualdon -...

thevisualdon:

‘In The Clouds’

𝘜𝘱 𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘷𝘦, 𝘢 𝘩𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘤𝘶𝘵𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘯𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘴𝘬𝘺. 𝘈 𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘮𝘰𝘰𝘯 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘥, 𝘢𝘥𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘭𝘰𝘶𝘥𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘵𝘴 𝘣𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘥𝘪𝘮𝘮𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘦𝘵𝘭𝘢𝘮𝘱𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘰𝘸.

by Visualdon - https://insagram.com/visualdon

ritikajyala:

My 13 year old cousin came back from a date with her boyfriend and said, “I can’t wait to grow up and spend sunday afternoons with him.” At first, I wanted to laugh (after all they’re just 13), but I remember being 13 and having the world in my hands. I remember getting excited to talk to someone about my dreams and wishes, and how happy these daydreams and fantasies made me. There’s this innocence you can only have at 13 and the world rises and falls and crashes and burns every year… until you do not think about quiet sunday afternoons.

So I asked her about the date and heard her giggle about bubblegum flavored ice cream, and how much she loves this little life. I think she makes me love it too.

-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The world is a sphere of ice and our hands are made of fire


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